thankful

I am 20 weeks pregnant today and I feel overwhelmingly thankful.  This blog is really for me (and Ian and the kids) so sometimes I probably share more than if I was doing this for monetary gain or some other reason.  I do not tend to be an overly emotional person (or at least I don't think of myself that way). 

I (Ian too) was thankful for Samuel's pregnancy.  In some ways it felt like a surprise and in some ways it felt like a fulfillment of what God had promised us a long time ago.  At times it felt like I was smiling and nodding and saying I was thankful but not knowing how to process the gift of a baby.  Now we have Samuel and I have had a taste of the fun, challenging, joyful, sanctifying experience called parenting. This go around I feel thankful in a different way - a deep unexplainable gratitude.  It makes me care way less if I gain 50 pounds or if my back aches or if my maternity clothes from last go around don't fit so well.  For us, it feels like a miracle - the weeks of sickness, tired of sleeping on my side, water not tasting good - all of it - is part of a miracle.

If you are reading this and your story has not started or ended like you thought it would, we are so sorry for you.  We know and love so many that have walked roads of deep deep grief.  If there is one thing that I have learned in the last few years is that being an adult means holding seemingly opposing emotions at the same time.  We are so thankful for this baby.  So thankful.  But that does not erase or diminish the deep grief we have for friends who aren't married that long to be married.  Or friends who long for children. Or friends who have miscarried.  Or friends who have lost tiny little newborns.  Or friends who have lost toddlers or big kids or adult kids.

When I think about how our story could go, I am so thankful that we have been gifted this life.  As with most (all?) parents, we hope our kids bury us (at a ripe old age).  But we don't have that guarantee, so I try to be thankful for each day that we do have with Samuel and this little one.

So it may seem that we take this pregnancy for granted or we have brushed aside those who have a different ending (or middle or start) but that is not our hope or desire.  We want to stand on the rooftops and jump and down and celebrate this baby for as long as God gifts him to us. But that does not mean our hearts don't break and we don't mourn.  It is harder to express grief (in my opinion) and Ian reminds me often enough that I naturally tend to be a Debbie Downer.  I often try to post happy or joyful moments to remember.

All of that to say, we still see you. We remember your kids.  We remember your babies.  We remember your infertility.  You are not forgotten.  We love you.  We love your kids.  We stand with you in your grief and heartbreak.